How to cope with my dad's death from brain cancer?

Question by Mark: How to cope with my dad's death from brain cancer?
My father began slurring his words in late July of 2012, and in August he want to the ER at my urging and was given a CT scan, followed by an MRI, and was eventually diagnosed with brain cancer.

He had debulking surgery, and afterwards the biopsy confirmed it was glioblastoma MF - the deadliest form of brain cancer.

He was always so athletic and healthy because his parents both died young, and it broke my heart to see him slowly succumb to the cancer. He did radiation, chemotherapy, dexamethasone and, after it quickly returned in November, Avastin.

By late-November he was becoming paralyzed in his right side. He still wanted to swim everyday, so either my sister or I would take him to a nearby pool where there were no people. He used to be such a strong swimmer - swam two miles a day the previous 20 years - and soon he could barely stay afloat. But he kept trying. And he purchased books on positive visualization, and it was so awful seeing my poor father in bed with his reading glasses trying to practice the "visualization" techniques.

Soon his speech was so garbled we could barely understand him, and by December his personality had changed and he was cranky all the time and completely physically handicapped.

Seeing my father try to move an electric wheelchair through our home with his one "good" hand was more than I could bare, particularly because I knew the diagnosis was terminal. But I did my best to say positive things around him like "You can beat this, Dad" and "There are plenty of long term survivors, of course you can live to see your grandchildren."

By Christmas he was incontinent and constantly peeing the bed, so we had to have him wear diapers, which I knew he hated, but he had no choice.

On January 16th, he suddenly started experiencing extreme pain when we tried to move him from his wheelchair to the bed. His appetite, which had been strong throughout the whole ordeal, suddenly disappeared.

Within two days he was in bed, sleeping 22 hours a day. It was hard to rouse him. And by January 19th, he was falling into a coma. We thought he was unconscious for a whole day, but out of nowhere he made his last intentional effort - he put his arm around me as I lay next to him crying. That was the last time he ever did or said anything.

With the help of hospice we kept him at home and gave him liquid medications as opposed to sending him to the hospital to die - he hated the hospital. The "death rattle" started on January 21st, and soon after he was foaming at the mouth and bleeding from his nose. I almost lost my sanity watching him literally drown in his own fluids. Around 2am on January 22nd, he took his last breath.

I skipped the first week of school to be with my dad, after having been home for all 4 weeks of my xmas break. Today I have class for the first time since December, and I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I feel so sad, so angry, so horrified I had to watch my healthy father die so young. He was so good to me, and I wish i could have done something to help him. I keep picturing how scared he was, how often he would cry, how he's never coming back and i'll never see him again.

If anyone has had any similar experience, it would make me feel so much better to hear your story.


Best answer:

Answer by br549
Hearing my story won't ease anything. You know that! Many have experienced what you went through. As painful as it is, it is part of life.

You can take comfort in the fact that your dad is no longer suffering, and that you were able to help ease his passage. You can also realize that even in his worst state, he was very proud of you.

The best thing to remember is there are more good memories of your dad than bad. No one can EVER take that away.

It's been over 20 years. I still miss my dad!

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